dollsome

Title: How Bellward Got Their Groove (Or At Least, Kinda Tried)
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: Part 1 - 2,800
Summary: After an unsuccessful double date with Jessica and Mike, Edward and Bella set out to prove to the world that they aren't relationship snobs. This quest is hindered a little bit by the fact that they totally, totally are.
Author's Note: Ever since I wrote Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward, I have been wanting to try my hand at yet another Psycho Bella and Lame-o Edward Tale, and the lovely renewed enthusiasm for that story courtesy of

irony_rocks reccing it has given me the boost I needed!

I don't know why this has decided to turn into a chapter fic, or if it will actually continue to exist. But ye gods, there's just so much to mock!

Also: I haven't read anything Twilighty for ages, so, um, sorry if it doesn't gel with canon? I ... guess? I am pretty sure whatever's canon will somehow manage to be way more hilarious and offensive than this.

( The sky is as Forksishly gray as ever, but it could be filled with a hundred rainbows and it still wouldn't tempt her gaze away from its current object. )

Current Mood: silly

Title: Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward
Pairing: Edward/Bella~~'s blood~~
Word Count: 2,197
Summary: In which it is a certain time of the month for Bella, and even Edward Cullen has trouble being a gentleman sometimes.
Author's Note: Hahaha, this is so hideously crass! And ‘hideously crass’ is so not my normal forte. But I am rereading this book for reasons of morbid curiosity and extreme literary laziness, and I’m sorry, but after experiencing the chapter wherein Edward details exactly how crazy it drives him to even, like, smell Bella while her blood is in her veins, I just don’t get how he could handle this particular situation. At least without it being super lolz-y. And yes, I know that SMeyer was once confronted with this very question and replied something along the lines of, Edward noticed but was too much of a gentleman to say anything.

To which I say … yeah, right, okay.

( The phone rings five minutes before Edward leaves to pick up Bella for school. )

Current Mood: devious

Title: & baby, when it's love
Pairing: Jacob/Bella
Spoilers: Set during New Moon before all the werewolf shenanigans start, I guess?
Word Count: 1,561
Summary: She’s kind of into baby steps, as far as this whole happiness thing goes.
Author's Note: Ha ha ha, check me out! I bet,

lalumena, when you gave me the prompt 'Quiet, Jacob/Bella,' you thought it would never actually get written! Or maybe it was me who thought that. In any case: I decided to just attempt the impossible, and then this happened. A disclaimer: I have not read any of SMeyer's, er, glorious prose in several years, and strangely am not, like, super-into the idea of changing that anytime soon. Besides, I feel like my skills as a writer quite simply will never be epic enough to master the myriad complexities of a character who has said "Holy crow!" on many occasions. (Whyyyy does anyone like these books again???) So instead I think I just channeled KStew the whole time. Because I do like KStew.

( Jacob falls asleep doing math homework. )

I finished New Moon last night at around 12:30, and I am proud to report that my brain did not actually melt due to the fiery passion of my hatred and wind up oozing out of my ears. Jolly good show, self!

I did, however, get so angry toward the end that I . . . sort of started letting out incoherent shrieks of wrath and hitting the book. Yes, hitting the book. Repeatedly. Kinda hard. Sorry,

thepodsquad!; I’m pretty certain I left no lasting damage. Also, Derrickson was trying to sleep at the time, and she probably didn’t really appreciate my minor psychotic outburst. But it was something that sorely needed to be done.

And now: ( A rather epic ramble featuring my less-than-savory choices in reading material, my own writery woes, and the ultimate inescapable fact that this book series is one sick, sick sonnuvabitch. Also, JACOB/BELLA FTW. )

The worst part of all this is that I suspect I am going to wind up buying Eclipse, just so I can finish off this whole damned mess and lament its inevitable conclusion. I’m ensnared now. Grr.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Judas (Kelly Clarkson)