Sleepover (Ensemble, Part 1 of 3)
Nov. 22nd, 2008 02:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dollsomeTitle: Sleepover
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Spoilers: Set in between "Business Trip" and "Frame Toby"
Word Count: 3,708
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael decides to have a sleepover at the office. Shenanigans ensue. (Part 1 of 3)
Author's Note: This is an idea that I've been dying to do for just about ever. My Office fics folder is littered with several few-line attempts at writing something about this plot idea. They can probably be traced all the way back to the ancient days of season three. Sleepover. Office. Come on! Endless hilarity! And ... stuff.
And this is written in script format rather than, you know, actual proper paragraphs and stuff, because you know that script of "Dinner Party" that came with the season four DVDs? It kept seducing me. All, 'Ooohhh, I'm so easy to write! Ooh, I require no narration!' And when it comes to zany, episodic-feeling ensemble stuff, I think it's probably a bit easier to convey the spirit of it in script anyway. Or maybe I'm just making excuses, because I did originally intend to switch over to normal-shaped fanfic, but then I got carried away with the glorious ease of this alternative.
Also, I had to write a ten page Contemporary Lit paper today, so paragraphs and I? We're not exactly pals right now.
Script format it is!
(Complete with Courier New. Ya know. For effect.)
THE OFFICE
“SLEEPOVER”
Takes place in between 5x07 “Business Trip” and 5x08 “Frame Toby”
COLD OPEN
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. She takes a dish out of her purse and then pours some jellybeans in it.
PAM (voiceover)
Yes, I am back in Scranton.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM (cont’d.)
It’s kinda nice. I mean, New York was great, and everything. I definitely wouldn’t trade the experience. But finding out that you’re failing? Not the best feeling. I dunno, I’m just glad to be back in my element for a little while. I’m not giving up art, or anything. I’m still going to keep up with it in my spare time. But work-wise, I’m glad to be back. I feel like getting back to what I know. And there’s not much to fail at here.
INT. OFFICE – COPY MACHINE
PAM is pressing the buttons on the machine with renewed enthusiasm. She throws a little smile over at the camera.
PAM (voiceover)
I can Xerox with the best of ‘em.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION DESK
Pam is sitting at her desk, picking up the phone.
PAM (voiceover)
Phone answering: A+.
PAM
(a little brighter than usual)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
PAM (voiceover)
In fact, I think I’m even starting to master changing the water jug.
INT. OFFICE – WATER COOLER
Pam is lugging the new water jug out, preparing to set it up. Andy rushes over, wanting to help.
PAM
No, no, I got it.
We see a few clips of slight struggle, Andy making nervous faces and hovering in the background prepared to jump in at any moment, before she triumphantly gets the water jug on there. She grins at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
If you need to ‘ooh, ahh’ a little, that’s okay. I won’t judge you.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. OSCAR is standing on the other side of it. He’s got a book in his hand, and they’re talking about it.
OSCAR
… and the whole time I was reading it, I was thinking, ‘Pam would love this.’
PAM
(taking the book from him)
That’s awesome, Oscar, thank you. I haven’t had time to just sit and read in so long…
KEVIN comes over. He takes a handful of jellybeans, pops a few into his mouth, and—
KEVIN
Blechhh!
Pam and Oscar stare at him.
KEVIN
Pam, you got the wrong jellybeans.
PAM
What?
KEVIN
These jellybeans. They’re the wrong ones.
PAM
What are you talking about, Kevin? They’re jellybeans.
KEVIN
But they’re not good jellybeans. You used to get different ones.
PAM
Well, they’re still jellybeans. It’s not really a big deal, right?
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
My favorite thing about reception has always been the jellybeans. Now, I don’t have a favorite thing about reception.
(thinking)
No. My favorite thing about reception is Pam. But only when she wears certain shirts.
(a pleasing epiphany)
Or … no shirt.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
KEVIN
I miss the old Pam.
He drops the jellybeans sadly back into the bowl. Pam and Oscar watch him walk away.
PAM
The wrong jellybeans? Seriously?
Oscar looks uncomfortable. Pam catches onto this.
PAM
What?
OSCAR
I wasn’t gonna … say anything.
He brings his hand up to reveal a handful of uneaten jellybeans.
PAM
Ah.
OSCAR
(apologetic)
Welcome back.
PAM
Yeah.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(sans enthusiasm)
Home, sweet home.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
Everyone is walking in carrying sleeping bags, overnight bags, etc. Varying degrees of enthusiasm are on their faces. (Kelly? Lots. Stanley? Not so much. Shocking.)
MICHAEL (voiceover)
We are having a sleepover. Here, at the office.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Cool, huh?
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY beams wordlessly at the camera, overcome with joy. Dreams do come true.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
JIM
We had plans. We were gonna spend the night in. Kick back on the couch. Channel surf.
PAM
Maybe, like, glance at each other occasionally.
JIM
Ehh. Maybe. You want to?
PAM
I dunno. It might be too much trouble.
JIM
It’s just, it’s cool that you’re not a two and a half hour drive away anymore and everything, but if I’m really into Seinfeld, I don’t want to get out of the zone.
PAM
No, I get that. I totally get that.
JIM
Good. The thing is, we’re never gonna get good at being boring old married people if work keeps interfering. And I feel like that’s something that we both, ideally, would like to do.
PAM
Oh, definitely. Definitely.
JIM
And while you might think it’s a little early, on account of us not being married yet, it’s an art form, and it’s one that we want to get down.
PAM
Exactly.
JIM
Instead, we’re having a sleepover. At the office.
PAM
Michael got the idea from The Baby-Sitters Club. And no, I’m not joking. (Beat.) I never joke about The Baby-Sitters Club.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Why was I watching The Baby-Sitters Club? Good question. Well, I just so happened to be channel surfing a few nights ago, and I stumbled across that little gem. And even though it’s about a bunch of teenage girls, there was a connection. Instantaneously. Because what the Baby-Sitters Club really is, is a simile for the office. Here we have this group of really different girls, and they all come together with one common goal: to sell something. In their case, themselves. (Pause.) To parents. (Pause.) Who need babysitters.
And just like in the office, you’ve got a whole my…rial of different people. There’s the artsy one, that’s Pam. There’s the bossy one, that’s – well, no, that’s not me. I am the boss, but I am not bossy. So that one is probably Dwight. Except for the part where she is in charge. Then she’s me. But all the other times, Dwight. Also, she kind of seems like a lesbian. Oscar in reverse? Who knows. You decide. Then there’s the shy one, that’s … also Pam. And then there’s the one with fashion sense, and diabetes. Who is a cross between Kelly and Stanley.
But what really got me, what really hooked me in, was just the love between these girls. I think the reason I really connected with the film on such an existential level was that even though they just worked together, they were each other’s best friends in the world. They were family. And you just don’t see that enough in stories about people who work together. It was just this – gritty, realistic, refreshing new look. And I realized, what is more important than the love that fills this office? So I decided that tonight should be a celebration of it. Much in the style of the Baby-Sitters Club.
If Pam and Kelly and Angela wind up having a pillow fight in their underwear … that will be neither here nor there.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because this will be the first time that I have ever spent the night with Pam.
PAM (laughing)
Shut up.
JIM
No, really. One time, she tried to get me drunk and take me home, but I thought, ‘Nope, better not fall for it. This girl just wants to use me and break my heart.’
PAM (laughing)
You’re so full of it.
JIM
(points at her)
Pam Beesly. Thief of Virtue. Right here.
PAM
You dork.
JIM
To tell you the truth, I’m a little nervous about it.
PAM
(beaming)
Well, you should be.
JIM
Should I be?
PAM
Yeah.
JIM
Is my world gonna get rocked or something? Because if it is, I’d like to know beforehand.
PAM
You’re just gonna have to wait and see.
JIM
Yikes.
They smile at each other.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because thisss will be the first time I have ever spent the night with Angela. (A beat – then, as if responding to the camera guy’s expressions to this little proclamation -) Seriously.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Technically, I guess I should be surprised. I’m not. I’m never surprised anymore. If Michael tries to crawl into my sleeping bag with me, I might be surprised. (Beat.) Actually, nope. In fact, I’m sort of counting on it.
INT. OFFICE – PHYLLIS & STANLEY’S DESKS
PHYLLIS looks over at the bag next to STANLEY’S desk in surprise.
PHYLLIS
Stanley, you’re actually staying?
STANLEY
Yep.
PHYLLIS
(smiling, pleased at this uncharacteristic act of office spirit)
Huh!
STANLEY keeps staring bleakly ahead at his computer screen.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
It is my daughter’s birthday. She is having a slumber party. I can either be at that slumber party, or I can be at this slumber party. At that slumber party, I would get to stay in my own home. Sleep in my own bed. I would also have to be up all night listening to my baby girl talk way too loud about boys and the things she does with them. If I did that, I’d have to find them, and I’d have to beat their sorry asses down. The last thing I want to do when I get home from work, or on my weekend, is go out and beat a bunch of sorry-assed boys down. It’s better not to know.
I have my sleeping pills. I have my sleeping bag. I call dibs on the sofa. If anyone tries to take it from me, I will assume they’ve had their hands on my daughter, and I will react accordingly. Understand? (Beat.) I thought so.
INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA
Andy is lugging a deflated blow-up mattress over to Angela’s desk (cue Diwali flashbacks!), looking mighty pleased with himself as he does it.
ANGELA
What is that?
ANDY
That, my sweet, is an inflatable air mattress.
ANGELA
I know that.
ANDY
Then why did you …
(Knowing better than to push it)
… Yeah, I thought it’d be better than the hard old floor. Anybody on top of this puppy’s gonna get their comfy on.
ANGELA
It’s very rude of you to flaunt that when the rest of us have to sleep on the floor.
ANDY
Yeah, well, actually, I was thinkin’…
ANGELA
What?
ANDY
It’s pretty roomy … a roomy twin …
ANGELA stares, waiting for him to make his point.
ANDY (cont’d.)
You could sleep not on the floor.
ANGELA
All right.
ANDY
(shocked; is he going to actually get to be in the same bed as his fiancee?)
… Really?!
ANGELA
Yes. Thank you.
ANDY
(gleeful)
Are you kidding? Thank you—
ANGELA
I appreciate your chivalry.
ANDY
(a little too happy to think correctly)
I appreciate your chivalry-
OSCAR
(can’t take it anymore)
Andy, you’re sleeping on the floor.
ANDY
What? Pfft. Am not.
ANGELA
Yes you are.
ANDY
… oh.
ANGELA
Why? Do you have a problem with that?
(Subtext: ‘Cause if you do, tough.)
ANDY
No, no, of course not. I mean, my back might get kinda – but no. The only thing I have a problem with is my sweet little love kitten not being comfy as can be.
ANGELA
Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.
ANDY
No, I won’t.
(He grins, slightly forced. Takes an antsy few steps closer to her.)
Can I?
ANGELA
If you’re quick about it.
ANDY leans in and kisses her on the cheek. About a millisecond after his mouth meets her face-
ANGELA
I said quick.
ANDY
(jumping dutifully back)
Righto. Sorry.
ANGELA
It’s fine. Just … go blow that up somewhere.
ANDY
Will do, sweetie poo—
ANGELA glowers. Definitely not gonna pass nickname approval.
ANDY
-ooiiiie. Sweetie pie.
He moseys off, dragging the inflatable mattress behind him. Angela goes back to her work.
OSCAR
(disgusted)
Angela…
ANGELA
What?
OSCAR
Nothing. Never mind.
Angela glowers.
INT. OFFICE – DWIGHT AND JIM’S DESKS
JIM
Hey, Dwight?
DWIGHT
What?
JIM
Are you going to be wearing footie pajamas?
DWIGHT
None of your business. Also, no.
JIM
Oh. Okay.
DWIGHT
Why?
JIM
Oh, y’know. Just wanted to make sure we wouldn’t be wearing the same ones. Because that’d be really embarrassing.
DWIGHT scowls.
JIM
You wanna sleep next to me?
DWIGHT
Not even if you were Xena.
JIM
(snaps)
Darn.
DWIGHT
Besides, don’t you want to sleep next to your girlfriend?
JIM
First, fiancee. Second, I’m pretty sure you’re cuddlier.
DWIGHT
Am not.
JIM
You sure? Because you just look …
DWIGHT
Yes, I am sure.
JIM
Because Pam, she looks cuddly, but I’ll be honest, she’s not great.
Cut over to Pam at reception, laughing.
DWIGHT
Well, she’s better than me.
JIM
Yeah, I just don’t think I can really be sure about that until I’ve tried out both of you.
DWIGHT
I am as prickly as a porcupine. With fangs. And nostrils that squirt venom instead of mucous.
JIM
You mean a Venomous Porcufang?
DWIGHT
Don’t pretend that’s something real.
JIM
Not pretending, because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of it before.
DWIGHT
Impossible. I just made it up.
JIM
I’m just gonna google it right now.
(He types something on his computer)
Ah. Yep. There it is. Eesh.
DWIGHT
Is not.
(He leans over to catch a glimpse anyway. Because he’s Dwight.)
JIM
(turns his computer screen away)
Nope. Too scary for you. I’m probably going to have nightmares for weeks. Which is why I would really appreciate it if you would cuddle with me.
DWIGHT
Never in a million years.
JIM
Well, how about you just give me the name of the last person you cuddled with? So I can check and make sure you are as good a cuddler as you look. Because now I’m just not gonna be able to get it out of my head.
The camera does a quick pan over to ANGELA. Andy’s standing with her. For a moment, we see a flash of Angela-inspired pain cross Dwight’s face. Then—
DWIGHT
I don’t cuddle.
JIM
But you do wear footie pajamas.
DWIGHT
You wish.
JIM
Yeah, I do.
Dwight scowls.
INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL is staring fixedly at the clock on his computer screen. 4:59 switches to 5:00, and …
MICHAEL
(jumping up)
PAJAMA TIME! I repeat, workers of Dunder Mifflin: pajama time! GET – INTO – YOUR – PAJAMAS!
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL hops his way out into the main office.
MICHAEL:
(‘Can’t Touch This’-inspired)
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na—
PAJAMA TIME!
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-
Cut abruptly to—
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
Ten or so minutes later. Pan over to the couch by the door to show that STANLEY is already on it, fast asleep.
PAM steps back out into the main office area. She’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats, hair in a ponytail.
MICHAEL
… seriously? That’s it?
PAM
What were you expecting?
MICHAEL
I dunno. Nice little … nightdress. Slip. Nighty. Negligee. G-string—
PAM
(cutting him off)
Um, yours are nice.
MICHAEL
(pleased)
I know, right?
The camera pans down to reveal a pair of silky purple pajamas, very Hugh Hefner. Only the bottom few buttons of the shirt are buttoned. Yowza.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
I got them just for tonight. Special occasion.
PAM
You don’t say.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I just figured maybe it would be nice to make an effort.
He stares pointedly at her.
PAM
I thought we were just going to sleep.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel sexy doing it. Come on, Pam. I thought you were made over. I thought this, with the hair, with the New York experience, was post-makeover Pam.
PAM
Uh—
MICHAEL
Do you at least have hot underwear?
PAM
That’s not—
MICHAEL
Jim! Pam’s underwear. Is it hot?
JIM
(coming over)
Actually, she wears pantaloons, mostly.
MICHAEL
(dismayed)
Pam. Come on. You’ve got to work on that. Sexiness is something that grows from the inside out. Like a blossoming flower of sex. A bloomy sex flower. You’re sexy in your heart first, and then … how do I say this delicately … in your underthings area, and then with the actual clothes that you wear on the outside of your body. Not the other way around.
PAM
Thanks, Michael.
MICHAEL
Any time. I just hope you don’t feel too bad about looking so blah.
PAM
I think I’ll be okay.
MICHAEL
Good, good. I – heyyy! That’s what I’m talking about!
Cut to KELLY, who is walking over decked out in a tiny little nightie, complete with newly retouched makeup, curled hair, and furry heeled slippers.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
(nonchalant)
Oh, this? This is how I look every night.
RYAN TALKING HEAD
RYAN shakes his head.
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL
(gawking)
Exactly! Exactly! We all need to be comfortable here, people. It’s family. It’s natural. We can’t be afraid to show a little skin—
DWIGHT comes in, wearing only his wifebeater undershirt and his boxers.
MICHAEL
--AAAUGHH, DWIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
DWIGHT
This is what I’m wearing to sleep in.
MICHAEL
No, no, that – that is being plunged eyes first into HELL. Gyahhh! Are you crazy? There are ladies here, Dwight!
DWIGHT
They can look if they’re interested. If not, I won’t be offended. They probably just can’t handle it.
KELLY cracks up.
DWIGHT
You got a problem, Kapoor? If I remember correctly, you have a hobby of molesting men in the kitchen.
Cut to RYAN, who looks a little nostalgic.
DWIGHT (cont’d.)
And by men, I mean me.
KELLY
What?!? Do not!! Are you talking about Christmas, because that was like a zillion years ago, I so don’t even remember it. You kissed me, Dwight, that is so how it happened!
DWIGHT
(snarling)
I don’t think so.
KELLY
Omigod, I was drunk, I was so drunk, he totally came onto me, Ryan, don’t hate me!!
She rushes over to RYAN and throws her arms around him. He looks disgruntled for a second, taking us back to earlier days. It somehow progresses very quickly, however, into making out.
MICHAEL
Aaugh, Dwight, look what you did.
DWIGHT
I did not do that.
MICHAEL
That’s … completely inappropriate.
He watches, a little transfixed. Probably not by Kelly.
JIM
Oookay. How ‘bout we get started on some truth or dare?
KELLY abruptly pulls away from Ryan.
KELLY
Truth or dare! Truth or dare! Truth or dare truth or dare truth or dare!!!
MICHAEL
Yes! Jim! Brilliant suggestion! We shall truth, and we shall dare. If we dare. To truth.
JIM
What?
MICHAEL
Nothing.
INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN
ANDY is standing outside the ladies’ room. He’s wearing a pretty snazzy pair of pajamas that, in all likelihood, sports some kind of awesome, slightly painful-to-look-upon pattern.
ANDY
(to camera)
I am just waiting here for my future missus to come on out and bestow her beauty upon the world. And I won’t lie, I’m pretty excited, because this will probably be the most undressed I’ve ever seen her—
The bathroom door opens. ANGELA steps out. She’s wearing a Victorian nightgown that covers absolutely as much of her body as is even conceivable. High lacy collar, roughly a trillion buttons, the whole shebang.
ANDY
(after taking a moment to recover)
Check that out.
ANGELA
What?
ANDY
(abashed)
Nothing. You look pretty.
ANGELA studies him for a moment, then buttons up the one remaining button at her throat. As a preventative measure against being looked at inappropriately by her betrothed.
ANDY
(offers his arm)
Milady?
She deliberates a moment, then takes it. They begin to walk out together. ANDY throws a giddy glance back at the camera.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
I’m pretty sure tonight’s gonna be the night.
(He pauses, considers the situation)
I’m thinking there’s like a sixty percent chance she’ll let me sleep in her general area.
INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM
The room has been cleared out, and everyone is sitting around in a circle on the floor.
MICHAEL
Okay, everybody. It is time for truth or dare. And I want it to be like no game of truth or dare that has ever been played before, in the history of all humans.
JIM
Even the gold rush prospectors?
MICHAEL
Especially the gold rush prospectors. Because they are the ones to beat. It’s historically proven.
JIM jimfaces at the camera.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Honestly, I have no idea what he was talking about. I tried a Wikipedia search, but … no go.
INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM
MICHAEL
The point is, I want this to be revolutionary. I want this to probe down deep into the most beautiful secrets of our hearts. And the most ugly. And everything in between. I want this to be like an episode of Tyra – nay, Oprah. I don’t want just, ‘oh, what’s your favourite color,’ or, like, ‘I dare you to get a fork from the kitchen and stick it into an electrical socket.’ I want this to be more than that. I want this to be real. I want us to penetrate each other’s souls. I want … God, I want the deepest penetration you could ever even possibly imagine. I want you all to go as deep as you think you can possibly go, and then go even deeper than that. I want you guys to dare … and truth … to penetrate me. As I dream of penetrating you.
He falls silent, clearly proud of his speech.
SERIES OF INDIVIDUAL TALKING HEADS
ANDY
(eyebrows a-wragglin’)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
KELLY
(giggling madly)
That’s what—
CUT TO
RYAN
(toneless)
-she said.
CUT TO
DWIGHT
(with zest)
That’s what she—
CUT TO
KEVIN
(big dopey smile)
-said. Heeheehee.
CUT TO
PHYLLIS
(mischievous whisper)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
CREED
(conversationally, as though replying to some mystery person saying ‘She didn’t say that!’)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
PAM
That’s what—
CUT TO
JIM
-she said.
CUT TO
OSCAR
(weary sigh)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
MEREDITH
(raunchy)
That’s what she-
CUT TO
ANGELA, silent. She stares at the camera with white hot disapproval. Awkward silence. Awkward silence. We can’t help but get the sense that, in spite of himself, the cameraman is being driven to feelings of shame and self-loathing for having dared to ask. Awkward silence. Cut to black.
ACT TWO
Character/Pairing: Ensemble
Spoilers: Set in between "Business Trip" and "Frame Toby"
Word Count: 3,708
Rating: PG
Summary: Michael decides to have a sleepover at the office. Shenanigans ensue. (Part 1 of 3)
Author's Note: This is an idea that I've been dying to do for just about ever. My Office fics folder is littered with several few-line attempts at writing something about this plot idea. They can probably be traced all the way back to the ancient days of season three. Sleepover. Office. Come on! Endless hilarity! And ... stuff.
And this is written in script format rather than, you know, actual proper paragraphs and stuff, because you know that script of "Dinner Party" that came with the season four DVDs? It kept seducing me. All, 'Ooohhh, I'm so easy to write! Ooh, I require no narration!' And when it comes to zany, episodic-feeling ensemble stuff, I think it's probably a bit easier to convey the spirit of it in script anyway. Or maybe I'm just making excuses, because I did originally intend to switch over to normal-shaped fanfic, but then I got carried away with the glorious ease of this alternative.
Also, I had to write a ten page Contemporary Lit paper today, so paragraphs and I? We're not exactly pals right now.
Script format it is!
(Complete with Courier New. Ya know. For effect.)
“SLEEPOVER”
Takes place in between 5x07 “Business Trip” and 5x08 “Frame Toby”
COLD OPEN
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. She takes a dish out of her purse and then pours some jellybeans in it.
PAM (voiceover)
Yes, I am back in Scranton.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM (cont’d.)
It’s kinda nice. I mean, New York was great, and everything. I definitely wouldn’t trade the experience. But finding out that you’re failing? Not the best feeling. I dunno, I’m just glad to be back in my element for a little while. I’m not giving up art, or anything. I’m still going to keep up with it in my spare time. But work-wise, I’m glad to be back. I feel like getting back to what I know. And there’s not much to fail at here.
INT. OFFICE – COPY MACHINE
PAM is pressing the buttons on the machine with renewed enthusiasm. She throws a little smile over at the camera.
PAM (voiceover)
I can Xerox with the best of ‘em.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION DESK
Pam is sitting at her desk, picking up the phone.
PAM (voiceover)
Phone answering: A+.
PAM
(a little brighter than usual)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
PAM (voiceover)
In fact, I think I’m even starting to master changing the water jug.
INT. OFFICE – WATER COOLER
Pam is lugging the new water jug out, preparing to set it up. Andy rushes over, wanting to help.
PAM
No, no, I got it.
We see a few clips of slight struggle, Andy making nervous faces and hovering in the background prepared to jump in at any moment, before she triumphantly gets the water jug on there. She grins at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
If you need to ‘ooh, ahh’ a little, that’s okay. I won’t judge you.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. OSCAR is standing on the other side of it. He’s got a book in his hand, and they’re talking about it.
OSCAR
… and the whole time I was reading it, I was thinking, ‘Pam would love this.’
PAM
(taking the book from him)
That’s awesome, Oscar, thank you. I haven’t had time to just sit and read in so long…
KEVIN comes over. He takes a handful of jellybeans, pops a few into his mouth, and—
KEVIN
Blechhh!
Pam and Oscar stare at him.
KEVIN
Pam, you got the wrong jellybeans.
PAM
What?
KEVIN
These jellybeans. They’re the wrong ones.
PAM
What are you talking about, Kevin? They’re jellybeans.
KEVIN
But they’re not good jellybeans. You used to get different ones.
PAM
Well, they’re still jellybeans. It’s not really a big deal, right?
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
My favorite thing about reception has always been the jellybeans. Now, I don’t have a favorite thing about reception.
(thinking)
No. My favorite thing about reception is Pam. But only when she wears certain shirts.
(a pleasing epiphany)
Or … no shirt.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
KEVIN
I miss the old Pam.
He drops the jellybeans sadly back into the bowl. Pam and Oscar watch him walk away.
PAM
The wrong jellybeans? Seriously?
Oscar looks uncomfortable. Pam catches onto this.
PAM
What?
OSCAR
I wasn’t gonna … say anything.
He brings his hand up to reveal a handful of uneaten jellybeans.
PAM
Ah.
OSCAR
(apologetic)
Welcome back.
PAM
Yeah.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
(sans enthusiasm)
Home, sweet home.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
Everyone is walking in carrying sleeping bags, overnight bags, etc. Varying degrees of enthusiasm are on their faces. (Kelly? Lots. Stanley? Not so much. Shocking.)
MICHAEL (voiceover)
We are having a sleepover. Here, at the office.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Cool, huh?
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY beams wordlessly at the camera, overcome with joy. Dreams do come true.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
JIM
We had plans. We were gonna spend the night in. Kick back on the couch. Channel surf.
PAM
Maybe, like, glance at each other occasionally.
JIM
Ehh. Maybe. You want to?
PAM
I dunno. It might be too much trouble.
JIM
It’s just, it’s cool that you’re not a two and a half hour drive away anymore and everything, but if I’m really into Seinfeld, I don’t want to get out of the zone.
PAM
No, I get that. I totally get that.
JIM
Good. The thing is, we’re never gonna get good at being boring old married people if work keeps interfering. And I feel like that’s something that we both, ideally, would like to do.
PAM
Oh, definitely. Definitely.
JIM
And while you might think it’s a little early, on account of us not being married yet, it’s an art form, and it’s one that we want to get down.
PAM
Exactly.
JIM
Instead, we’re having a sleepover. At the office.
PAM
Michael got the idea from The Baby-Sitters Club. And no, I’m not joking. (Beat.) I never joke about The Baby-Sitters Club.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Why was I watching The Baby-Sitters Club? Good question. Well, I just so happened to be channel surfing a few nights ago, and I stumbled across that little gem. And even though it’s about a bunch of teenage girls, there was a connection. Instantaneously. Because what the Baby-Sitters Club really is, is a simile for the office. Here we have this group of really different girls, and they all come together with one common goal: to sell something. In their case, themselves. (Pause.) To parents. (Pause.) Who need babysitters.
And just like in the office, you’ve got a whole my…rial of different people. There’s the artsy one, that’s Pam. There’s the bossy one, that’s – well, no, that’s not me. I am the boss, but I am not bossy. So that one is probably Dwight. Except for the part where she is in charge. Then she’s me. But all the other times, Dwight. Also, she kind of seems like a lesbian. Oscar in reverse? Who knows. You decide. Then there’s the shy one, that’s … also Pam. And then there’s the one with fashion sense, and diabetes. Who is a cross between Kelly and Stanley.
But what really got me, what really hooked me in, was just the love between these girls. I think the reason I really connected with the film on such an existential level was that even though they just worked together, they were each other’s best friends in the world. They were family. And you just don’t see that enough in stories about people who work together. It was just this – gritty, realistic, refreshing new look. And I realized, what is more important than the love that fills this office? So I decided that tonight should be a celebration of it. Much in the style of the Baby-Sitters Club.
If Pam and Kelly and Angela wind up having a pillow fight in their underwear … that will be neither here nor there.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because this will be the first time that I have ever spent the night with Pam.
PAM (laughing)
Shut up.
JIM
No, really. One time, she tried to get me drunk and take me home, but I thought, ‘Nope, better not fall for it. This girl just wants to use me and break my heart.’
PAM (laughing)
You’re so full of it.
JIM
(points at her)
Pam Beesly. Thief of Virtue. Right here.
PAM
You dork.
JIM
To tell you the truth, I’m a little nervous about it.
PAM
(beaming)
Well, you should be.
JIM
Should I be?
PAM
Yeah.
JIM
Is my world gonna get rocked or something? Because if it is, I’d like to know beforehand.
PAM
You’re just gonna have to wait and see.
JIM
Yikes.
They smile at each other.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because thisss will be the first time I have ever spent the night with Angela. (A beat – then, as if responding to the camera guy’s expressions to this little proclamation -) Seriously.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Technically, I guess I should be surprised. I’m not. I’m never surprised anymore. If Michael tries to crawl into my sleeping bag with me, I might be surprised. (Beat.) Actually, nope. In fact, I’m sort of counting on it.
INT. OFFICE – PHYLLIS & STANLEY’S DESKS
PHYLLIS looks over at the bag next to STANLEY’S desk in surprise.
PHYLLIS
Stanley, you’re actually staying?
STANLEY
Yep.
PHYLLIS
(smiling, pleased at this uncharacteristic act of office spirit)
Huh!
STANLEY keeps staring bleakly ahead at his computer screen.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
It is my daughter’s birthday. She is having a slumber party. I can either be at that slumber party, or I can be at this slumber party. At that slumber party, I would get to stay in my own home. Sleep in my own bed. I would also have to be up all night listening to my baby girl talk way too loud about boys and the things she does with them. If I did that, I’d have to find them, and I’d have to beat their sorry asses down. The last thing I want to do when I get home from work, or on my weekend, is go out and beat a bunch of sorry-assed boys down. It’s better not to know.
I have my sleeping pills. I have my sleeping bag. I call dibs on the sofa. If anyone tries to take it from me, I will assume they’ve had their hands on my daughter, and I will react accordingly. Understand? (Beat.) I thought so.
INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA
Andy is lugging a deflated blow-up mattress over to Angela’s desk (cue Diwali flashbacks!), looking mighty pleased with himself as he does it.
ANGELA
What is that?
ANDY
That, my sweet, is an inflatable air mattress.
ANGELA
I know that.
ANDY
Then why did you …
(Knowing better than to push it)
… Yeah, I thought it’d be better than the hard old floor. Anybody on top of this puppy’s gonna get their comfy on.
ANGELA
It’s very rude of you to flaunt that when the rest of us have to sleep on the floor.
ANDY
Yeah, well, actually, I was thinkin’…
ANGELA
What?
ANDY
It’s pretty roomy … a roomy twin …
ANGELA stares, waiting for him to make his point.
ANDY (cont’d.)
You could sleep not on the floor.
ANGELA
All right.
ANDY
(shocked; is he going to actually get to be in the same bed as his fiancee?)
… Really?!
ANGELA
Yes. Thank you.
ANDY
(gleeful)
Are you kidding? Thank you—
ANGELA
I appreciate your chivalry.
ANDY
(a little too happy to think correctly)
I appreciate your chivalry-
OSCAR
(can’t take it anymore)
Andy, you’re sleeping on the floor.
ANDY
What? Pfft. Am not.
ANGELA
Yes you are.
ANDY
… oh.
ANGELA
Why? Do you have a problem with that?
(Subtext: ‘Cause if you do, tough.)
ANDY
No, no, of course not. I mean, my back might get kinda – but no. The only thing I have a problem with is my sweet little love kitten not being comfy as can be.
ANGELA
Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.
ANDY
No, I won’t.
(He grins, slightly forced. Takes an antsy few steps closer to her.)
Can I?
ANGELA
If you’re quick about it.
ANDY leans in and kisses her on the cheek. About a millisecond after his mouth meets her face-
ANGELA
I said quick.
ANDY
(jumping dutifully back)
Righto. Sorry.
ANGELA
It’s fine. Just … go blow that up somewhere.
ANDY
Will do, sweetie poo—
ANGELA glowers. Definitely not gonna pass nickname approval.
ANDY
-ooiiiie. Sweetie pie.
He moseys off, dragging the inflatable mattress behind him. Angela goes back to her work.
OSCAR
(disgusted)
Angela…
ANGELA
What?
OSCAR
Nothing. Never mind.
Angela glowers.
INT. OFFICE – DWIGHT AND JIM’S DESKS
JIM
Hey, Dwight?
DWIGHT
What?
JIM
Are you going to be wearing footie pajamas?
DWIGHT
None of your business. Also, no.
JIM
Oh. Okay.
DWIGHT
Why?
JIM
Oh, y’know. Just wanted to make sure we wouldn’t be wearing the same ones. Because that’d be really embarrassing.
DWIGHT scowls.
JIM
You wanna sleep next to me?
DWIGHT
Not even if you were Xena.
JIM
(snaps)
Darn.
DWIGHT
Besides, don’t you want to sleep next to your girlfriend?
JIM
First, fiancee. Second, I’m pretty sure you’re cuddlier.
DWIGHT
Am not.
JIM
You sure? Because you just look …
DWIGHT
Yes, I am sure.
JIM
Because Pam, she looks cuddly, but I’ll be honest, she’s not great.
Cut over to Pam at reception, laughing.
DWIGHT
Well, she’s better than me.
JIM
Yeah, I just don’t think I can really be sure about that until I’ve tried out both of you.
DWIGHT
I am as prickly as a porcupine. With fangs. And nostrils that squirt venom instead of mucous.
JIM
You mean a Venomous Porcufang?
DWIGHT
Don’t pretend that’s something real.
JIM
Not pretending, because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of it before.
DWIGHT
Impossible. I just made it up.
JIM
I’m just gonna google it right now.
(He types something on his computer)
Ah. Yep. There it is. Eesh.
DWIGHT
Is not.
(He leans over to catch a glimpse anyway. Because he’s Dwight.)
JIM
(turns his computer screen away)
Nope. Too scary for you. I’m probably going to have nightmares for weeks. Which is why I would really appreciate it if you would cuddle with me.
DWIGHT
Never in a million years.
JIM
Well, how about you just give me the name of the last person you cuddled with? So I can check and make sure you are as good a cuddler as you look. Because now I’m just not gonna be able to get it out of my head.
The camera does a quick pan over to ANGELA. Andy’s standing with her. For a moment, we see a flash of Angela-inspired pain cross Dwight’s face. Then—
DWIGHT
I don’t cuddle.
JIM
But you do wear footie pajamas.
DWIGHT
You wish.
JIM
Yeah, I do.
Dwight scowls.
INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE
MICHAEL is staring fixedly at the clock on his computer screen. 4:59 switches to 5:00, and …
MICHAEL
(jumping up)
PAJAMA TIME! I repeat, workers of Dunder Mifflin: pajama time! GET – INTO – YOUR – PAJAMAS!
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL hops his way out into the main office.
MICHAEL:
(‘Can’t Touch This’-inspired)
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na—
PAJAMA TIME!
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-
Cut abruptly to—
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
Ten or so minutes later. Pan over to the couch by the door to show that STANLEY is already on it, fast asleep.
PAM steps back out into the main office area. She’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats, hair in a ponytail.
MICHAEL
… seriously? That’s it?
PAM
What were you expecting?
MICHAEL
I dunno. Nice little … nightdress. Slip. Nighty. Negligee. G-string—
PAM
(cutting him off)
Um, yours are nice.
MICHAEL
(pleased)
I know, right?
The camera pans down to reveal a pair of silky purple pajamas, very Hugh Hefner. Only the bottom few buttons of the shirt are buttoned. Yowza.
MICHAEL (cont’d.)
I got them just for tonight. Special occasion.
PAM
You don’t say.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I just figured maybe it would be nice to make an effort.
He stares pointedly at her.
PAM
I thought we were just going to sleep.
MICHAEL
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel sexy doing it. Come on, Pam. I thought you were made over. I thought this, with the hair, with the New York experience, was post-makeover Pam.
PAM
Uh—
MICHAEL
Do you at least have hot underwear?
PAM
That’s not—
MICHAEL
Jim! Pam’s underwear. Is it hot?
JIM
(coming over)
Actually, she wears pantaloons, mostly.
MICHAEL
(dismayed)
Pam. Come on. You’ve got to work on that. Sexiness is something that grows from the inside out. Like a blossoming flower of sex. A bloomy sex flower. You’re sexy in your heart first, and then … how do I say this delicately … in your underthings area, and then with the actual clothes that you wear on the outside of your body. Not the other way around.
PAM
Thanks, Michael.
MICHAEL
Any time. I just hope you don’t feel too bad about looking so blah.
PAM
I think I’ll be okay.
MICHAEL
Good, good. I – heyyy! That’s what I’m talking about!
Cut to KELLY, who is walking over decked out in a tiny little nightie, complete with newly retouched makeup, curled hair, and furry heeled slippers.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
(nonchalant)
Oh, this? This is how I look every night.
RYAN TALKING HEAD
RYAN shakes his head.
INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL
(gawking)
Exactly! Exactly! We all need to be comfortable here, people. It’s family. It’s natural. We can’t be afraid to show a little skin—
DWIGHT comes in, wearing only his wifebeater undershirt and his boxers.
MICHAEL
--AAAUGHH, DWIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
DWIGHT
This is what I’m wearing to sleep in.
MICHAEL
No, no, that – that is being plunged eyes first into HELL. Gyahhh! Are you crazy? There are ladies here, Dwight!
DWIGHT
They can look if they’re interested. If not, I won’t be offended. They probably just can’t handle it.
KELLY cracks up.
DWIGHT
You got a problem, Kapoor? If I remember correctly, you have a hobby of molesting men in the kitchen.
Cut to RYAN, who looks a little nostalgic.
DWIGHT (cont’d.)
And by men, I mean me.
KELLY
What?!? Do not!! Are you talking about Christmas, because that was like a zillion years ago, I so don’t even remember it. You kissed me, Dwight, that is so how it happened!
DWIGHT
(snarling)
I don’t think so.
KELLY
Omigod, I was drunk, I was so drunk, he totally came onto me, Ryan, don’t hate me!!
She rushes over to RYAN and throws her arms around him. He looks disgruntled for a second, taking us back to earlier days. It somehow progresses very quickly, however, into making out.
MICHAEL
Aaugh, Dwight, look what you did.
DWIGHT
I did not do that.
MICHAEL
That’s … completely inappropriate.
He watches, a little transfixed. Probably not by Kelly.
JIM
Oookay. How ‘bout we get started on some truth or dare?
KELLY abruptly pulls away from Ryan.
KELLY
Truth or dare! Truth or dare! Truth or dare truth or dare truth or dare!!!
MICHAEL
Yes! Jim! Brilliant suggestion! We shall truth, and we shall dare. If we dare. To truth.
JIM
What?
MICHAEL
Nothing.
INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN
ANDY is standing outside the ladies’ room. He’s wearing a pretty snazzy pair of pajamas that, in all likelihood, sports some kind of awesome, slightly painful-to-look-upon pattern.
ANDY
(to camera)
I am just waiting here for my future missus to come on out and bestow her beauty upon the world. And I won’t lie, I’m pretty excited, because this will probably be the most undressed I’ve ever seen her—
The bathroom door opens. ANGELA steps out. She’s wearing a Victorian nightgown that covers absolutely as much of her body as is even conceivable. High lacy collar, roughly a trillion buttons, the whole shebang.
ANDY
(after taking a moment to recover)
Check that out.
ANGELA
What?
ANDY
(abashed)
Nothing. You look pretty.
ANGELA studies him for a moment, then buttons up the one remaining button at her throat. As a preventative measure against being looked at inappropriately by her betrothed.
ANDY
(offers his arm)
Milady?
She deliberates a moment, then takes it. They begin to walk out together. ANDY throws a giddy glance back at the camera.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
I’m pretty sure tonight’s gonna be the night.
(He pauses, considers the situation)
I’m thinking there’s like a sixty percent chance she’ll let me sleep in her general area.
INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM
The room has been cleared out, and everyone is sitting around in a circle on the floor.
MICHAEL
Okay, everybody. It is time for truth or dare. And I want it to be like no game of truth or dare that has ever been played before, in the history of all humans.
JIM
Even the gold rush prospectors?
MICHAEL
Especially the gold rush prospectors. Because they are the ones to beat. It’s historically proven.
JIM jimfaces at the camera.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Honestly, I have no idea what he was talking about. I tried a Wikipedia search, but … no go.
INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM
MICHAEL
The point is, I want this to be revolutionary. I want this to probe down deep into the most beautiful secrets of our hearts. And the most ugly. And everything in between. I want this to be like an episode of Tyra – nay, Oprah. I don’t want just, ‘oh, what’s your favourite color,’ or, like, ‘I dare you to get a fork from the kitchen and stick it into an electrical socket.’ I want this to be more than that. I want this to be real. I want us to penetrate each other’s souls. I want … God, I want the deepest penetration you could ever even possibly imagine. I want you all to go as deep as you think you can possibly go, and then go even deeper than that. I want you guys to dare … and truth … to penetrate me. As I dream of penetrating you.
He falls silent, clearly proud of his speech.
SERIES OF INDIVIDUAL TALKING HEADS
ANDY
(eyebrows a-wragglin’)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
KELLY
(giggling madly)
That’s what—
CUT TO
RYAN
(toneless)
-she said.
CUT TO
DWIGHT
(with zest)
That’s what she—
CUT TO
KEVIN
(big dopey smile)
-said. Heeheehee.
CUT TO
PHYLLIS
(mischievous whisper)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
CREED
(conversationally, as though replying to some mystery person saying ‘She didn’t say that!’)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
PAM
That’s what—
CUT TO
JIM
-she said.
CUT TO
OSCAR
(weary sigh)
That’s what she said.
CUT TO
MEREDITH
(raunchy)
That’s what she-
CUT TO
ANGELA, silent. She stares at the camera with white hot disapproval. Awkward silence. Awkward silence. We can’t help but get the sense that, in spite of himself, the cameraman is being driven to feelings of shame and self-loathing for having dared to ask. Awkward silence. Cut to black.
ACT TWO
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-11-23 02:16 am (UTC)