dollsome

Once upon a time, during one of my -- oh! -- so many Where Did It All Go Wrong? Why does this story suck so much; it will never work, NEVER! freakouts, I realized that my error had clearly been setting it in a universe where the Artie Kraft's employees were not monster hunters, and I wrote THIS.

Things Arthur Kraft Hates About Life, A List (A Melodramatic, Self-Indulgent List. He’s Aware. Humor Him, Just This Once.)

1. It’s early. Even for a morning person, which Arthur is. God, it’s just so early. Too early for

2. Wendigos. Raging, hungry, insatiable wendigos.

3. Wendigo-hunting road trips with Kristy and Cora.
(Kristy got into the car like this: “Road tripppppp!”, somehow incredibly clutching coffee for everyone and the complete discography of Taylor Swift.
Cora got into the car like this: “Yeah, fuck you all.” Then she contorted into a remarkable feet-on-the-dashboard position and fell asleep.
Kristy is, at least, a very good sport about sitting in the back seat. But this is not a Things Arthur Kraft Doesn’t Hate About Life list.)

4. Cora waking up to bitch about his driving.

5. Because it is too “graceful.”

6. Kristy reassuring him, in that cooing voice she often uses around baby chimeras (no matter how many times he tells her they are monsters not pets), that there is nothing wrong with graceful driving, that it is safe and also lovely, that you know what’s graceful? Swans!

7. Swans. Even just hearing about them, really.

8. After the whole demon-swan incident.

9. The fact that demon-swan incidents have ever factored into his existence.

10. Taylor Swift.

11. Agreeing with Cora about Taylor Swift. There is always something frightening about agreeing with Cora.

12. How tempted he is to drink the coffee Kristy brought, even though he has officially given it up and is making the switch to green tea, god damn it. It is just there in the drink holder, beckoning, beckoning, promising relief and awakeness, which he could really use because

13. Patrick can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that, ridiculous as it may sound, wendigo hunting is a real job, and so they spent the whole night arguing. How did they become old and miserably married, when they are both under thirty and not even permitted by law to get married? It boggles the mind.

14. The wendigo-killing process, which he is not looking forward to at all. He doesn’t know why he even bothers to get new clothes anymore, honestly.

15. Hiring somebody else, which he is also not looking forward to. But after what happened to Murphy, well, it’s not as if there’s a choice. There must always be three.

16. How full his brain is of stupid, archaic, ominous pronouncements like ‘There must always be three.’ Sometimes his thoughts sound like Lord of the Rings voiceovers.

17. Cora’s omniscience. Arthur is not sure whether this is an actual thing – just between you and him, he’s a little too afraid to ask – but sometimes he can’t help but believe it. Like when out of nowhere she claps him on the shoulder and says, “So what’s the deal? You are looking straight up dead. Aw. You and Douchebrains were arguing again last night, huh?”

18. The fact that he feels a little flicker of annoyance when Kristy diplomatically says, “Oh, Cora, don’t call him Douchebrains.”

19. The fact that he is supposed to be a soldier of the light, a sworn defender of goodness and virtue and the sacredness of the life that pulses from every single soul, and yet he has become the kind of person who gets a secret vindictive thrill from hearing his significant other referred to as “Douchebrains.”

20. The fact that there is no end in sight, and not just where this Taylor Swift song is concerned.

21. Though momentarily, the song is really the most pressing issue.

Bwahaha, this is still kind of on my To-Do list as some manner of wonky AU adventure.